Friday, June 20, 2014

Throwing my weight around.

This is something I've wanted to share on my personal page for a really long time. (I'm sharing here too.) I've almost uploaded this old photo with a new one about a zillion times, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was ashamed.

 The picture on the left is me in 2011. I remember when I was tagged in it. I saw it and started crying because I kept thinking, "Dear God. Am I really that big? I can't be!"

I've struggled with weight my entire life. My. Entire. Life. I was always chunky in elementary school and middle school. Then I lost a good bit my freshman year. My sophomore year, I went to the "Welcome Back" dance and people thought I was a new student. I'd lost THAT much weight. Then my senior year, I started gaining again. I lost some for my wedding. Then I gained it after that.

When I found out I was pregnant with Bug in late 2009, I was 215 lbs. (I'm 5'8".) After I had him, I was 264. (That's what I weighed in the picture on the left.)

I was so ashamed of myself. I kept waiting for my husband to run away because HOW could he want to look at someone like me everyday.

I was DETERMINED to lose the baby weight plus some. So, I started dieting. I did decent because I had a lot to lose. Then I tried diet pills. I dropped a good bit with them until they started messing with my heart and I had to stop. That was back in 2012. Since then, I've struggled. I would lose 10 lbs and then put it back on. Lose it again. Repeat. Finally, I got fed up with it. I would much rather be skinny than eat a Snickers. I started dieting hardcore. I started drinking (usually coffee) instead of eating when I felt hungry. Slowly, the weight started coming off.

The picture on the right was taken in May 2014. As of now, I've lost almost 90 lbs. (Yes, I'm telling you my weight - 180. Shush it. I know I'm still overweight.)

I've worked my ass off these past three years. It's been really hard and I've cried over my weight more than once.

I'm extremely self-conscious. I hate my weight, my looks, my voice, MY NOSE. I've always been this way. BUT I'm working on it. I'm trying to be healthier and accept myself for who I am. I'm trying to stop scrutinizing every photo I see of myself, pointing out all of my flaws.

The point of this post is to tell those of you struggling with weight issues not to give up.

YOU. CAN. DO. IT. If I can do it, anyone can. I'm not just saying that to say it either.

I see so many people down on themselves for being heavy. It's hard to walk around, constantly wondering if someone is laughing at you. Trust me, I know.

I still have more weight to lose. I know this. But I'm not giving up. I have 30 lbs to go before I'm at my goal weight. If I can make it there, I will have lost almost 120 lbs.

I don't normally post personal things to my author page (because I know you all want to hear about books, not me) but I did want to share this with you guys. I want people to see that they CAN do it. You just have to keep fighting. Yes, I'm embarrassed beyond belief to post it, but if it helps someone else, I'm willing to do it.

Good luck to everyone battling right along with me.



  1. I think you are absolutely beautiful! I too had/have problems with my weight. I gained weight after getting married (my husband is a cook in the Navy, and a good cook at that), then when we miscarried I got really depressed and gained another fifty pounds. After trying to lose weight again and again through various means, on my own and with weight watchers, and infertility issues, I decided to have gastric bypass in May of 2012. When I got the surgery I was 245 pounds on a 5 foot 5 inch frame. I got down to 134 pounds, but we had another miscarriage a couple of months ago and have since gained 14 pounds thanks to emotional eating. My weight and eating is something that I struggle with every day, and will every day for the rest of my life. You are not alone in your struggle. I just wanted you to know that. Don't let your weight define who you are. You are a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a damn talented writer. Remember that. Your fans love you! Thank you for sharing such a personal blog about yourself. Keep up the good work, congratulations on your weight loss, and please, please, don't ever stop writing. Your work is amazing.
    Lots of love from a huge fan,

  2. Thank you for having the courage to post this! And congratulations on working so very hard to successfully lose the weight. My husband & I have started a new eating plan (we refuse to call it a diet) after my friend (a nurse) successfully fought off esophagal (sp?) cancer at Mayo. They put her on a new eating program of: no sugar; no flour & no dairy. They insist that eating this way protects you from getting horrible diseases as you get older like cancers & diabetes, etc., unless you have some genetic situation. I want to be as healthy as possible & not immobile in old age. She said Mayo told her when we eat the 3 forbidden items above, we get lots of fats hanging off of our heart & other organs. That visual worked for me. We all have some 'trigger' that motivates us. We are doing quite well on this & yes, for a b'day I will eat a tiny piece of cake! We both feel great already & see the weight coming off. Thanks again for sharing this with us. Jana

  3. Wow, thank you for sharing and hearing these other 2 ladies with there weight struggle too, I'm a mother of 3, and working 2 jobs, hardly have time for exercise, and I try not to eat a lot, but then sometimes trying to make dinner before my 2nd job, and not eat late, doesn't help. Though I wish to know what did you do to lose weight, did you exercise, change your eating habits, coffee alone, lol can't be everything. But you look great!! and keep it up!! :)